Hey Venuers, how you doing? Still balling? Thought so…
K, so, look. We’re all pretty pissed about this whole “World Cup thing” at this point…. I mean, am I wrong or am I wrong? Not saying the lot of us wouldn’t do the whole thing over again if we could, mind you.
Matter of fact, we think we just might need to look up our local methadone clinic for the adrenaline withdrawals we’ve been having. Just right this moment, The Venuist is over in the corner slumped in his favorite office chair [better known around Venuing HQ as his "binkie"] and YT Crooks is high above New York Harbor threatening to jump from the tenth floor ledge into what he keeps calling the “Big Cool-Ade.” Come to think of it, we haven’t even seen Mags or Warning Track Power all this week…and 33 Problems keeps sending us 1-3 word texts chocked with non-sequitors as if he’s been wandering aimlessly through some sort of lonely desert of the soul.
Whatevs. All you people care about are your weekly power rankings.
So fine, here: you can have ‘em. We don’t want ‘em anymore anyway!
TOP 5 Impact Performers, week 3ish:
1. Diego Maradona – Say what you will but dude understands the first — and by far, most important — rule of sportsman awesomeness: go BIG or go home. Argentina is killing all comers — with or without the aid of specious referee calls — and their coach has managed to deploy some 20 out of the 23 total men on his roster. No point in belaboring the point any futher: Maradona is the biggest little man who ever walked God’s green soccer pitch. Wait, reports are coming in that Dustin Pedroia just challenged him to an arm-wrestling/Jenga/pissing contest. Sweet. One ring to rule them all…
BONUS: When it comes to sideline swagger Coach Maradona is unmatched. He’s a ray of sunshine in comparison to the rest of the national managers. He’s like a delightful marionette dreaming of sugarplums and champagne and he makes the likes of mean, cold brutes like Fabio Capello seem woefully mirthless. Viva el mano de dios!
2. Vuvuzelas [previous - #2] – Just the other day, we went on a coffee run. Totally forgot that the Spain/Portugal match had begun some ten minutes previous. Not to fear! Upon exiting the elevator, we were greeted with the friendly tremor of our favorite, 2′ foot-long plastic bzzzlat-horns. Verily, t’was like bees leading us to their honey!
BONUS: The Venuist got an iPhone vuvuzela app just so our company foosball matches could acquire that proper, championship ambience.
3. Team England – For making each and every American soccer fan feel better about losing to fucking Ghana. I mean seriously. About 55 minutes into the England/Germany match The Venuist spontaneously starting humming the theme to Raiders of the Lost Ark, in vain hopes of inspiring the likes of the Red and the White to at least COMPETE. Well boys, you’ll always have the battle of Britain…
BONUS: Wayne Rooney appears to have just figured out that he wasn’t back at Old Trafford, but rather he had been playing in South Africa with that “other team” with red shirts. Having now been told something to do with “Queen and Country” Voices’ sources report that he thinks now maybe he should have tried “maybe a little harder”.
4. The Western Hemisphere [previous - #2] – So, we lost Mexico, but that was to Argentina, so our favorite Hemisphere is still looking tops. Now if only Uruguay can avenge the US for that whole Ghana fiasco…wait, what’s that? Oh, it’s only the entire continent of Africa ready to accuse us of Pan-American jingoism. Ok, ok, but may the best vuvuzela chorus win.
BONUS: “America; fuck yeah!”
5. Landon Donovan [previous - #1] – Like us, you may have also tried to buy a Landon Donovan jersey from the US Soccer team store. If so, you were turned away from the internets in dismay. None were to be had. Donovan’s stock rose so swiftly that we were seriously kicking around the idea of simply referring to him “Captain America” from now on. Meh. Anyways, here’s to a dream deferred…
BONUS: the US got knocked out of the tournament just before salacious rumors about his bachelorhood in Everton began to emerge int the British Press. GOoooooooAL!
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