Glad we’re done with all those World Cup power ranking columns. Booo-Riiiing! Are we wrong? Sure, we were head over heads in love with that particular — what was it again? riiiiight — international ’soccer’ competition while it was happening but some two weeks removed, we couldn’t tell a corner-kick from a kick in the groin. C’est la vie, or for that matter, however they say ‘kick in the groin’ in Paris…don’t worry Landon, we’ll always have Alergia…
Back to America; the U-S-OF-EFFING-A, wooohooo!
And you know what’s just around the corner now? Football. That’s right, FOOTBALL. You know the proper kind, not the kind where you use your feet, but the one where you pick up the ball and run until another 300+lb man pummels you into submission. Shazam!
Today’s Battle Royale concerns one such a man: Mr. Wes Welker, who any true American football fan will tell you, is perhaps better than anyone alive at being pummeled by 300+lb man while holding a football. His contender is best known to geeks, dorks, and 5th-level wizards worldwide as the Ring Bearer of the Shire: Frodo Baggins.
So, with a roll of the 20-sided die, let’s begin!
Round one: Wes Welker led the NFL in receptions in 2009, despite essentially missing the last game of the season with an ACL tear, and two previous games in weeks 2 & 3 with an unrelated knee issue. Frodo Baggins led the fellowship into the shadow of Mordor in the winter/spring of 3019 (of the 3rd Age of Middle Earth) while carrying the Ring of Power.
Winner: Wes Welker
Round two: Frodo Baggins is a hobbit. Hobbits are said to be about half the height of a man, that is, somewhere between two and four feet, and Frodo is described in the books of the great chronicler, JRR Tolkien, as of average height and appearance for a hobbit. Conversely, Wes Welker is a wide receiver. Great wide receivers are usually between six and ten feet in height, towering far above cornerbacks and other defensive nuisances. Wes Welker is 5′8” (supposedly).
Winner: Wes Welker
Round three: Wes Welker has a princely friend named “Tom Brady”. Tom Brady is one of the most decorated quarterbacks (see also: great warriors) in NFL history, and his name means “I won three effing championships and broke every record like, ever in 2007, what did you ever do?” in the language of sport. Frodo Baggins has a princely friend named Aragorn, who’s name means he’s the “once and future king” of the divided realm of Gondor.
Winner: Wes Welker
Round four: Frodo Baggins doesn’t wear shoes. Wes Welker doesn’t wear a knee brace even though he’s just four months removed from ACL/MCL reconstructive surgery.
Winner: Wes Welker
Round five: Wes Welker has a mentor in the form of a dark sorcerer with the unlikely name “Bill Belichick”. Bill Belichick can be found most Sunday afternoons stalking the sidelines of Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA aided by his wizard’s cloak magic athletic hoodie and lucky Motorola headset. Frodo Baggins has a mentor in the form of great wizard with the unlikely name “Gandalf the Grey/White”. Gandalf can be found most days riding aloft his trusty steed Shadowfax, aided only by his wizard’s staff.
Winner: Frodo Baggins
Round six: Frodo Baggins has a loyal sidekick named Samwise Gamgee who looks up to him and would surely lay down in front of a Nazgul — if necessary — to safeguard Frodo’s life. Wes Welker has a loyal sidekick named Julian Edelman who looks up to him and would surely lay down in front of the team bus — if necessary — to safeguard Wes’ reconstructed knee.
Winner: Frodo Baggins
Round seven: Wes Welker plays football in “New England,” the one-time secondary-incarnation of “English” culture upon the shores of the Atlantic. Frodo Baggins conducts perilous voyages across the continent of Middle Earth, the one-time abode of wizards, dark lords, men, elves, dwarves, ents, oliphants, orcs, goblins, (large) eagles, trolls, Tom Bombadil and err, hobbits.
Winner: Frodo Baggins
Round eight: Given his short stature and bucolic upbringing, Frodo Baggins is an unlikely hero. In fact, the names of hobbits did not even make it onto the great lists of the creatures of Middle Earth. Given his short stature and bucolic upbringing, Wes Welker has been an unlikely hero. In fact, his name did not even make it onto pre-NFL Draft lists and he was selected as a rookie free agent by the San Diego Chargers, who eventually released him.
Winner: Wes Welker.
Round nine: Wes Welker is not the only diminutive hero in the cult New England sport! He is joined by the Boston Red Sox MVP-winning second baseman and silver slugger, Dustin Pedroia, and also, the Boston Celtics own Nate Robinson. In Middle Earth, Frodo is joined in heroics by fellow hobbits(es) Meriadoc ‘Merry’ Brandybuck, Peregrin ‘Pippin’ Took, and Gimli, son of Gloin (from the Dwarves of the Lonely Mountain). Good company!
Winner: Frodo Baggins
Round ten:
Wes Welker kinda looks like this dude:
above (R-L): not wes welker, wes welker
Frodo Baggins kinda looks like this dude:
above (R-L): Frodo Baggins, Elijah Wood
Winner: Frodo Baggins
Round elven eleven: Frodo Baggins’ great struggle in life is to rid himself of the ‘One Ring’. Wes Welker’s great struggle in life is to acquire — like his fellow Patriots — a ring of power.
Winner: Wes Welker
Final Round!: There are many folk songs devoted to the exploits of Frodo Baggins in the War of the Ring. Their are many sports blogs devoted to Wes Welker’s exploits in the AFC East.
Winner: Wes Welker
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